The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
