my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
