im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
