I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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