if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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