508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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