walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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