the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
