Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
