He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This is the high leading the old right now
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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