Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize