We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
