If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
