I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
