dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
