I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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