I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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