...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
