alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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