I am spending my child support on dildos
it's like iHOP with fire
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
