dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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