Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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