i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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