two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
