yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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