You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
