highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She's not a foreskin expert like you
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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