i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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