I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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