Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
