your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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