i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
