if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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