You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
