I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
