I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
