I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
