I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
