Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We left an ass print on the piano.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
