i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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