Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
