This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
