I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
