I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
