so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
