Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
