I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
