you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
