You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I stole a fireplace last night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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