mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
